Facebook has evolved into the go to place to spew random crap into the world. Is it just me, or are the majority of Facebook status updates annoying? After some careful observation, I’ve determined that the average Facebook updated can be categorised into one of the following 10 persona’s.

1. The “I feel the need to share stuff to make me sound fun” person

Our first persona is the kind of person that feels the need to share every time they go to the gym or on a night out. Usually the night status update will be pre, during and post night out with a typical status of This is going/is/was a messy night out”. I pose this question to the aforementioned person, what the hell are you doing on this night out? Rolling around in mud?!

2. The “I’m too stupid to be using Facebook” person

I’m sure we’ve all seen one of our “friends” post a status along the lines of “My profile got hacked” or “Repost this to stop Facebook from charging us”. Let’s break these two little chestnuts down one at a time.

- My profile got hacked The above status translates to “I’m so stupid, I clicked on the picture with the boobies and automatically spammed out a load of links to malware sites”. I can’t understand how people can convince themselves that they as an individual would be targeted by a malicious hacker and have their account compromised. No rational thought could possibly explain why anyone would want to get access to a random person’s account to spam a few links. This is compounded when that person is question is “hacked” again and again. Apparently they are too stupid to realise that clicking on that porn link is probably not a good idea!

- Repost this to stop Facebook from charging us This second statement shows how little is understood about Facebook. Facebook is obviously never going to charge for access as it completely destroys the viral coefficient that the company has been built upon. They’re many different variants of the “repost this because…” status, often to show support of some stupid cause.

3. The “I live such a boring life, I’m going to inflict it on all of you” person

Unfortunately, some people have taken to using Facebook a little bit too much. Some over zealous users seem to feel the need to update their status for every single thing they do in a day. Now this wouldn’t be too bad if those people lead interesting lives. But, as I’m sure you will agree, nobody wants to hear about the boring non-events of the average human. Classics include, “Just woken up, time for a shower”, “I think I’ll make sandwich for lunch today” and my personal favourite, Well, I’m off to bed, good night Facebook”…I’m mean seriously?! Why would you write that as a status?! Often a status that falls into this category will not get any comments and so that poster will systematically update the previous status with “micro updates” that follow on from the intriguing series of events that are taking place.

4. The “OMG I need to be the first person to let the everyone know of this breaking event” person

Facebook has become a great way to discover breaking events in real time because it is often far more up-to-date than the traditional big news organisations. But have you noticed that it is always the same people who post the breaking news first? It’s like they just lerk on news websites for a chance to be the first to say some Z list celebrity has died.

5. The “Cry for attention, but I’ll be so obscure about it so that people ask me questions that I’ll not answer” person

With access to potentially hundreds (thousands for the particularly sad Facebook user), Facebook has become a mecca for those of us who are seeking attention. Facebook seems to be have become the perfect place to share when we feel wronged, but only in a such an obscure way to hide what we’re really feeling. Don’t you think that is ironic that people feel the need to share their inner most feelings with EVERYONE they know, yet they make it so obscure that anyone who actually reads the status won’t have a clue what they are on about?!

6. The “I hate everything” person

Some people have such a negative outlook on life. No matter what new song / film / TV show / breaking news story they hate everything! Every status from them will be about why they hate something, how much they hate it, and why you should hate it too. These people also seem to lerk around Facebook looking for opportunities to spread their negativity to your status. I honestly can’t understand people that seem to hate everything. Why waste energy hating things when it is so easy to ignore things you don’t like. A good example of this is when people moan on about Justin Bieber. If you hate him, why on Earth are you talking about him on your status?! Another popular whipping boy seems to be of Apple, usually by people who don’t use Apple products. It’s like these people feel the need to be the anti-everything in order to define their importance in the world.

7. The “I’m going to complain whenever Facebook make a change, ironically on Facebook” person

I understand some people can’t take change, but whenever Facebook make a change to their product why do some people feel the need to complain that it is changing?! The worst part about it is, they complain on Facebook! Oh the irony! A simple solution to anyone who feels the need to complain about a change on Facebook is to stop using it. I think some people really think that any change Facebook makes is a personal attack on them, but of course joining a group to vent their anger will teach that Mark Zuckerberg a lesson he won’t forget!

8. The “My life revolves around my girlfriend / boyfriend” person

I get that people want to share how much they love their significant other, but we don’t need to hear about it every 5 minutes. I think it’s embarrassing when people write soppy updates about how much they love their partner and they tell the world whenever they watch a DVD or leave the house. It’s quite obvious that nobody cares about your relationship quite as much as you do, so quit telling the world every detail!

The reverse of this, which is equally as annoying, is when people lament about how sad they are when they break up with someone. This is worse when they have previously waffled on about how much they love that person, and then they throw in a bit of number 5 with some obscure cry for attention.

9. The “I’m going to write everything in an illiterate code” person

I know the Internet has meant that standards in spelling and grammar have slipped. Hell, I admit that I’m not the best at spelling and my grammar can often leave a lot to be desired, but at least I try. There is no excuse for an adult to spell words in “text speak” or miss out punctuation so that anything they write needs to be decrypted. I’m not a grammar Nazi, but a total lack of ability to write really just shows how stupid you really are. There’s no need to do it on Facebook.

10. The “I’m going to fight the man from behind a computer screen” person

Whenever a controversial issue is in the news, some people seem to take it upon themselves to set the world to rights by updating their Facebook status. Be it the environment, a breaking news event or a political policy, of course declaring your opinion to your Facebook friends will be a worthy contribution to fighting the man. Political debate is often the worse of this variety of updates, as the majority of people’s political views are based upon what someone else has told them. What you get is a fiercely strong view on what is wrong with the world and how simple it will be to put things right, neglecting the huge complexity of the bigger picture.